When you're the oldest Alumni
What do you call the eldest male Cougar?
This past weekend I went to my alumni game at Clark University. It was a culture shock the likes of which I was not prepared for.
I couldn’t play in the game due to my tyrannical Physical Therapist team refusing to clear me for my own good.
However, I had previously promised Jeff Cohen, my former Clark U teammate and current head coach of the team, that I would attend the game. But anyone who knows me is aware that my ability to sit and watch things is, uh, not a strength. So, when I was talking with Jeff later that week, I told him that I couldn’t play, but that I would gladly do some coaching.
I was joking.
But then I arrived on campus and realized that the only thing I could do was coach because I didn’t know any of these dudes. Well, that’s not 100% true, I do know Dan Rosenak (who runs a yoga therapy practice you should check out if you’re into that sort of thing) and he graduated four years after I did. But everyone else? All 23-32. Most putting on gear for the first time since they left campus.
The last thing they wanted was some old loud guy like me bossing them around when they’re trying to have fun. But, then again, that’s how the Hopkinton kids felt when I showed up, too. Allegedly.
We all roll out to the field and I’m just walking around, occasionally picking up a loose ball and rocketing it towards the goal. (As I do.) However, as the clock ticks down I realize that I have to at least try to establish some authority. So I yell for everyone to bring it in. No one moves. I adjust my volume to coach voice, and heads turn, feet slowly shuffle towards my orbit. Not enough. I yell again. Even the most resistant stragglers are now compelled to join the circle.
And I proceed to introduce myself as the oldest alumni there, who cannot play becasue I’m 13 months out from ACL surgery before launching into a tirade of hype that gets maybe 3 sets of eyes to light up. Total fail. I try again. This time I appeal to our shared heritage of playing at Clark.
“We are the ones who built this program. We built this house. They are living in it now. But guess what? They haven’t paid any rent. So, that’s what we are here to do today. Make them earn it like we all earned it. You will not do them any favors by playing disorganized crappy one-on-one lacrosse. We have to play our best because we owe that to them. So, defensively, let’s talk and get organized, and on offense….we’re only dodging shorties. Got it?”
A muffled “Yeah…” farted out of the group.
I turned it up. Reiterated the point. Added in multiple swears. The response increased only slightly, but more importantly, 80% of the eyes were drawn.
Good enough for me.
We set up O-lines and D-lines for midfield, got a rotation for our attack and close D. Our two goalies would split time by quarter.
We started slow, but eventually took the lead in the second quarter. At which point I turned to the current team and screamed, “Oh, you thought it was going to be easy?!”
We lost 12-9.
But the boys, nay, men - they put up a fight.
Would they have done the same if I wasn’t there? Probably. But if I got even 5% more out of the group than they would have given on their own, then it’s worth an afternoon in Worcester.
People ask me why I talk about Clark all the time. On my podcast, in casual conversation, and literally any chance I get. The answer that I always give is that Clark changed my life. But the reality is that the school taught me how to write. The lacrosse program taught me how to suffer. Eventually, coaching lacrosse taught me how to get through that suffering to the other side.
I am now the oldest Clark Lacrosse Cougar.
But I know that I won’t be the last.
Thank you for reading and supporting the newsletter. I really appreciate you giving me just a few minutes of your day to read my thoughts and musings on the sport that I love so much. Parents, players, and coaches - I have a lot of projects in the works that I’m excited to share this offseason. But in the meantime, you can always read my work at New England Lacrosse Journal and my contributions to USA Lacrosse.