The DII Mascot Mukbang
Turns out - you do NOT have the catch them all
Think of this as a playful roast. You can get mad if you want, but really it’s just fun to shine a light on these various institutions with a spotlight made of snark. You should only be upset if your school isn’t here. Remember, there are less than 70 teams in men’s DII lacrosse, so there will be some reaches here and there. One can only carry out what the mine provides. I present to you the sequel to the DIII Mascot Mukbang - the DII Mascot Mukbang!
First, some general observations:
Again - are you serious with this many Hawk mascots? I counted at least seven. More than 10% of the teams have the same mascot. Inexcusable. Take a lap.
Lots of Knights and Crusaders and Warriors and the like as well. What are we teaching our children? I don’t see any Akkadians or Hittites represented here. Where are my Assyrians at? Would it kill you to assimilate some Celtic or Norse iconography? So blase; so gauche. Where’s your culture?
Lake Erie Storm...Man?
I’m all for anthropomorphized depictions of animals and even objects - whose life isn’t better thanks to the lyrical stylings of Lumiere and Cogsworth - but when you put jacked biceps on a tornado with eyes and call it a storm you’ve gone too far. Was “The Lakers” too on the nose? Oh, Mercyhurst took that nom de plum and made it into a sailor. (Don’t worry, we’ll get there) but you could have easily made this a cryptid. Play up the Loch Ness aspect of it all. Instead, it’s googly eyes with a hint of side shade and a pair of arms that looks like they were drawn by Rob Liefeld. Less goofy and flouffy, more mysterious and intimidating, please.
Coker Cobras
See, the color scheme is great, the team looks the part - and they play the part almost taking down a top 10 team in Mount olive last week - but the mascot...just eliminate the little pupils. It doesn’t have to be realistic and certainly shouldn’t look that goofy. It doesn’t have to be Kobra Kai, but it does have to be better than a rejected Cobra logo for a reboot of G.I. Joe.
Lander Bearcats
Again, the eternal question - posed to all of us by the existence of SUNY Binghamton - what exactly is a Bearcat? It’s a nebulous creature that is actually a Cougar, Puma, or perhaps even a mountain lion. In any case, it’s supposed to be a medium-sized predatory cat, but it has a made-up name. Stop trying to make Bearcats a thing. #RollCougs
CSU Pueblo ThunderWolves
Man, that is a walleyed wolf, but -
Thunder.
Thunder!
THUNDER WOLVES HOOOOOOOO!!!!
Gen X/Elder Millenials will never forget. For the rest of you here is the reference:
Alderson Broaddus Battlers
Is...is that an 1800’s soldier?
In this economy?
At least he’s wearing a navy blue hat...#PeopleDontForget
Le Moyne Dolphins
Why did a private Jesuit school in Upstate New York pick a Dolphin as their mascot? Surprisingly, the answer can be found directly on the Le Moyne website.
“The use of the sign of the dolphin became common among Christians of the second century A.D. It was popularly considered to be friendly toward man and represented both love and tenderness.”
So, I guess no one told these guys that dolphins are non-monogamous pervs and one of three mammals on the planet - humans and fisher cats being the other two - that derive pleasure from murder. Very nice campus, though. Beautiful buildings - the Princeton of Upstate New York, really.
LIU Sharks
Yeeeaahhh that’s what I’m talking about - a mascot of an animal that is legitimately terrifying. I’m afraid of precisely two things and one of them is sharks. Have you been to the ocean? I watch “Below Deck” because it’s terrifying, not because it’s an analog of the socio-economic disparity of the haves and have nots in modern society. Anyway. Sharks of any breed or creed are a great mascot.
Mercyhurst Lakers
A lake. You named yourself after a body of water. Sorry, multiple bodies of water. At least there are lakes in...wait. The Laker mascot is a sailor bro and he has a bio? Please hold.
“Born in Dublin, Luke the Laker grew up on Lower Baggot Street, just down the way from Catherine McAuley’s first House of Mercy. Since his days as a youngster, he’s admired the dedication and fortitude of the Sisters of Mercy, traits he’s honed during his time as a fisherman sailing the Irish Sea. Like his uncle Louie, Luke bleeds green and blue and now he’s decided to permanently anchor his ship and follow in Louie’s footsteps, ready to cheer on our student-athletes and do all he can in support of Mercyhurst pride.”
I don’t...I can’t...the mascot has an ENTIRE backstory?
SNHU Penmen
Writers. You chose writers to be your mascot. You can call it a design to “evoke memories of the spirit of the hardy New England colonials” all you want, but at the end of the day, it’s a dude holding a pen with a flag cape. Clunky, even for my home state’s most cultured ephemera. I’ve met a lot of SNHU lacrosse players - would I call them fellow men of letters? I would not. But I bet they have way less student debt than you do thanks to an expansive online learning program that made the one-time struggling institution into a massive economic success. I wonder what the mascot costume is for home ga- Aaahhh! Aaahhhh! Kill it! Kill it with fire!
NH DII speed round:
Franklin Pierce Ravens
You named a school after an alcoholic wifebeater just because he was the President by accident and your mascot looks like it was drawn by an animator for the Simpsons. Boom, roasted.
Saint Anselm’s Hawks
The father of the tenets of modern theology is a great dude to name a school after, but you have the worst hawk mascot of all time - it looks like clip art from 2002. Boom, roasted.