The DIII Mascot Mukbang
Gross.
Welcome to the first annual DIII Mascot Mukbang wherein I intend to [playfully] roast the weirdest mascots of schools that field men’s lacrosse teams. I am aware that the term Mukbang doesn’t necessarily apply here, but the alliteration was too good to pass up. (Nothing about this should make you hungry.) We’re going to walk hand-in-hand through a field of madness populated with some truly stupefying choices. Sometimes the Mascots themselves will just be too odd, other times the concept of the logo will be dubious, and - sometimes - the union of mascot and school will also be called into question.
A couple of observations (and rules) to note before we proceed:
There are way too many bird and knight mascots. Clean it up. You look ridiculous.
We are only dealing with current mascot designs or at least ones that are easily located.
This is for fun so if you’re a SID or an admin at one of these schools just roll with the roast. The more you rage against the dying of the light the faster the darkness shall envelop you.
I did leave a few schools out on purpose so #TeamWhatAbout can go ahead and have a day. Go ahead, you deserve the indulgence of getting upset at a newsletter listing of bizarre mascots. You’ve worked so hard - treat yourself to posting comments that I will never read.
This is a fun way to shine a light on programs you may have never heard of and I encourage you to check out these schools and teams at your leisure through the links provided.
There is no particular rank here, but I have tried to scale out the eccentricities accordingly.
Oglethorpe: Stormy Petrels
Shout to the new head coach of the men’s lacrosse team Kyle Morris, but this mascot is literally a character from Angry Birds drawn by a four-year-old. How is this an official logo for ANYTHING in any decade? Someone get Oglethorpe on the horn and connect them with a graphic designer.
Milwaukee School of Engineering: Raiders
Dude, that’s a Pirate. Also, that pirate is HAMMERED. Engineers, am I right? Sure, they have a more sober-looking logo, but nothing strikes fear in the heart of opponents more than a sauced corsair.
Carthage: Uhm...Torchies?
So, according to an article on the Carthage website, “Torchie” was developed after the University decided to move on from their previous misappropriated concepts. The college is also looking to move on from Torchie, but not before I can capture his visage and display it for all of you lovely people.
Oberlin: Albino Squirrels
Shout to @JakeScottCohen on twitter for the heads up on this. I actually thought the photo in his tweet was doctored and had to triple check it. It’s truly an insane idea for a mascot, but I’ll admit that it looks cool…until you clock that it’s a squirrel with a genetic condition that makes it infinitely easier to snipe out of your bird feeder.
UNE: Nor’Easters
As someone that lives in New England, I have to tell you that this mascot is NOT a Nor’Easter. A Nor’Easter (pronounced NOA-eEs-TAH) is a sudden storm that threatens to overtake you. This is a cloud, fam. A cloud. This school is also in Maine and deigns to call itself a representation of all of New England. With those taxes? No thanks “Vacationland”.
Kenyon: Lords
Of what are you a lord, sir? What’s the origin of this mascot? Let’s find out together. Oh, man, sorry - I nodded off, did it say anything about eradicating the patriarchy? No?
Muhlenberg: Mules
Listen, there is on the nose and there is so on the nose that it breaks your proboscis in half and you get double black eyes. This is the latter.
Babson: Beavers
This isn’t even that weird, I just don’t like Babson and think they’re stupid. You’re stupid, Babson and so are Beavers. Spend their whole lives chewing on things. Just furry earthworms, really. Get a job.
Williams Ephs
So...there were many choices from the NESCAC in terms of obscurity. Mastodons Camels AND Jumbos? You’re better than that. But really there is only one choice. Williams has...It’s a cow. Kinda. Technically the mascot is named after the founder of the school Ephraim Williams. Which if you think about it is actually amazing because the dude found a way to have his own name become a mascot.
Lasell: Lasers
You’d think a logo for a Laser school would be cooler, right? Kind of looks like a rejected Lacrosse Unlimited logo contest. On the other hand, the campus is more of a converted township than a municipality of buildings, so it would be great to actually play laser tag there.
Shenandoah: Hornets
Hold up, where are the arms? I know hornets don’t technically have arms, but....they definitely have appendages; they’re not nature’s rockets of exoskeletal death.
Stevens: Ducks
The mascot looks like a rejected concept sketch for a new Children’s cereal. How is their lacrosse team so good with a mascot like this? It’s legitimately upsetting.
Transylvania: Pioneers
Who knew that bats could be Pioneers? This has not been a great year for the bat as a species, so it’s great to see them out there doing big things.
Hope: Dutchmen
This is off-topic, but why would you choose an anchor as your mascot? Is it a nautical thing? Pick a ship. Any ship. Or a plane? Because flying Dutchmen, right? This is the most confusing mascot jumble by far. Is that LaFours from Mallrats?
Mount Saint Vincent: Dolphins
Did you know that there are only three animals on earth that derive pleasure from murder? Humans, Fisher Cats, and Dolphins. Dolphins are psychopaths. Do not trust them.