The Worst Lacrosse Gear of All-Time (and why I love it)

Editor's note: Don't get mad at me, Parker wrote this.

Does anyone remember when the NHL used a puck that lights up to allegedly give the fans a better view of the puck as it zips across the ice?

Neither do I, I was born the year they removed it from play.

These types of gimmicks remind us that we should be grateful for the status quo, no matter how tired and worn-out it may seem. Rules-wise, lacrosse has seen tons of silly ideas implemented to change the game that we all love in an attempt to intrigue new fans. The PLL All-Star game trying a street-hockey-esque face-off, those years that college lacrosse eliminated the face-off, and a few that I hope are passing fads such as sixes - even though my beloved homeland absolutely embarrassed the Yanks on their home soil.

Lacrosse seemingly has more fads in terms of rules and equipment than any other major sport. For unwanted, amateur, opinions on the regulatory passing fads of lacrosse, head over to Twitter. For an old head’s analysis of the greatest gear gimmicks, stick around for my incoherent ramblings and expert analysis. 

If you are a grouchy old man in a 24-year-old’s body like me, or just a lacrosse junkie, you were in tune with all the latest gear releases showcased on the Lax.com YouTube page featuring videos of Casey Powell playing wall-ball off the crossbar or the old STX crew of Kyle Harrison, Sean Morris, and Joe Walters sporting JNCO’s with brown suede Air Force 1’s. Much like those JNCOs, I would save every loonie I could get my hands on and proceed to beg my parents for a ride to the store to waste it all on the latest and greatest gimmicky garbage pushed out through poor manufacturing and genius marketing. 

I loved all the gimmicky garbage. In fact, I loved it so much that I made a list of the worst (or best) gimmicks used in lacrosse gear that my soupy washed-up brain can remember. Please remember that this list is certainly up for debate so send your arguments my way (or Kyle’s). 

(No, no, I said…you know what - it’s fine. This list is pretty good. Enjoy.)

Warrior Brass Monkey Gloves
If this isn’t something that would get canceled in 2022, I don’t know what is. Combining brass knuckles and an alcoholic beverage popularized by the Beastie Boys surely should have gotten Warrior “canceled”. The plastic knuckles on the index and middle finger were supposedly designed to protect against egregious slashes. However, you simply can’t imply the incorporation of brass knuckles without kids locker-boxing each other to see just how legit these puppies are. I recommend pairing these with some creased black Air Force 1’s and you’ll be ready for a night on the town. 

The Entire Warp Line
You may notice a lot of Warrior products on this list, and you would be correct to assume they were the industry leaders in absurdity. This theme has remained consistent with their introduction of Warp mesh, sported by Zach Currier and Zach Currier ONLY. The reason for this is two-fold:

1. Nobody has cocoa-butter soft hands like Currier, and -

2. He’s the only one getting paid enough to actually use it. The precursor to the mesh was obviously the Warp head. Through the grapevine, I was given one of these asinine contraptions because it was so terrible that no one wanted it – even for the low price of free-ninety-nine. I tried it out and can most accurately describe using it as cradling a pea on a knife. 

Reebok 10K Stick
This is one of the few contraptions on this list that made sense to me when I was ten years old. Improved aerodynamics should - IN THEORY - allow you to shoot faster. Unfortunately, putting holes in the scoop and top half of the shaft forced the genius aeronautical engineers over at Reebok to actually use more material than the average stick thus making the whole thing heavier.

These nerds also decided to make the sticks out of the same material as composite hockey sticks meaning one temper tantrum would cause the whole thing to explode upon impact. Unfortunately, their marketing through Crooked Arrows got to me and I wasted my birthday money on one of these fragile failed science experiments. I will, however, give the Poindexters over at Reebok credit for the eye-catching colorways ripped straight from Turtle’s closet. If you do not remember who Turtle from Entourage is, you are probably too young (or uncultured) to remember any of the items on this list, anyways. 

Brine Gospel
I have never been one to shy away from angering the internet (@lukesidewallker - Hi Lars!) and I do not intend to stop now. The wave of stringing to the inside is upon us and these overcomplicated, convoluted tactics are sweeping Instagram. Luckily, college and pro players rarely sport the “seamless” sidewall look. Back in my day, the Brine Gospel had sidewall holes in the middle of the sidewall design allowing for stringing to the inside so that, in theory, the pocket would feel deeper than it was. If you want better hold, hit the wall, pigeons. 

Brine F22 Air
Much like the Reebok 10K, the F22 Air featured holes in the shaft. In this case, they were designed to make the shaft lighter. These holes were evenly spread across the entire shaft making it insanely light. Unfortunately, you must substitute strength for weight. This shaft cost over $100 and snapped like my arthritic ankles on the men’s league field. This shaft is certainly gimmicky but for how much they cost on Sideline Swap now, I’ll gladly pay $20 for the feeling of being as strong as Myles Jones. 

STX Crankshaft
One of the best things about lacrosse is that you can pair any head with any shaft regardless of brand or age. I, myself, will be sporting an OG Torque on a Signature shaft this summer. STX attempted to steal this freedom with the introduction of the crankshaft line, and I know how much you Yanks boast about your freedom. The sticks were decent but the addition of excessive offset from the bend in the shaft forced many purists like me to cut the end of the shaft so that we could pair the shaft with any head. You shouldn’t have to take a hacksaw to any equipment you spend your hard-earned money on. 

Warrior Venom Helmet
Style is undoubtedly a big deal in lacrosse. In other sports, the amount of style you can have is on a sliding scale. Lacrosse, however, is different. There are strict guidelines as well as a pass/fail grading system. A poorly fitted helmet is an automatic failure. The Warrior Venom incorporated the pump technology that we now see in STX’s helmets but with an atrocious exterior making any player appear as though they were sporting a hollowed-out watermelon with a cage. 

The Easton Raptor 
Easton lacrosse equipment was a solid idea, in my opinion. The shafts with the large script and simple primary color scheme reminded me of the Canadian Tire hockey sticks I would play street hockey with.

Unfortunately, every other piece of equipment they made was appalling, especially the Raptor helmet. These buckets featured an unnecessarily wide face mask that did not resemble any previously appealing helmet ever made. It’s as if the concept of style was not even considered in the R&D process.
The same goes for Easton’s heads. These puppies featured an adjustable offset so that players could personalize the amount of offset the head had. Unfortunately, the R&D team, the marketing team, and the sales team never considered that nobody wants to adjust the offset of their head. 

Shoulder Pads – All of ‘Em
Do you ever think: how much cooler would Maryland look if they didn’t look like hockey players? Why wear shoulder pads when you don’t have to? That is the question I ask myself every time I watch a PLL game or strap on the pads for a men’s league game.

I have spent several seconds snipping every unnecessary piece of fabric off my Gait by DeBeer pads I received when I was 9 years old just to make myself feel faster and more mobile. Sure, safety is an issue. I, however, like to live on the mildly wild side. Everyone with at least one eye and half a brain can tell that big shoulder pads look absurd and are unnecessary.

We, as lacrosse players, are rarely laying the boom like Terrible Terry Tate and generally prioritize mobility over protection. Having little fellas out there wearing restrictive pads when they can’t even hit with enough force to hurt someone is counterproductive. The Warrior Hitman line was the most egregious offender that yet again showed that Warrior is willing to do ANYTHING to move product. You could, however, pair the hitman shoulder pads with the Brass Monkey gloves for a fun Thanos Halloween costume. 

Gait G11 Helmet
I am especially grumpy about equipment that makes great teams look bad. I already mentioned my issue with Maryland’s shoulder pads, but no company has done an elite team dirtier than Gait forcing UVA to sport the G11 helmet. There is no reasonable explanation as to why companies would allow their most prestigious colleges to sport repulsive equipment on national TV.