The Future of Lacrosse

No, not really, but...maybe?

It is the end of 2021. 

All the bugs for Cyberpunk 2077 have been fixed. People are still waiting for their PS5’s, though so no one notices. 

We’re still wearing masks, but they’re more comfortable for travel and Halloween thanks to a nictitating silicone membrane inspired by a shark’s eye that closes when it senses anyone within 10 feet. It fails to sell because everyone in Washington DC finally gets it together and we all get vaccinated.

The vaccine has boosted the elderly’s resistance to all diseases so all of our parents and grandparents that were previously alive are still alive. Nursing homes receive massive government subsidies to provide more comfort for the generations before us. 

Amazon starts selling lacrosse gear through Sideline Swap, but just for two months. Out of nowhere, Amazon execs give the entire lacrosse industry over to SS because too many 12-year-olds kept offering six bucks for new heads after they got Jeff Bezos’ cell phone number from whitehat hacker. That hacker was named “Ryu” and claimed the act was done in the name of something called “The Lacrosse Forums”. The lacrosse industry rebounds and flourishes via the secondary market.

The men’s and women’s NCAA champions celebrate with a stand full of Tablets that are paid for with the remnants of every brick and mortar lacrosse store’s inventory sold off to Amazon. But there is a moment before that, where we are all watching in unison. Anish makes fun of Quint’s suit. Carc laughs. We hug the person next to us, who is still probably a large pillow that we named in our darkest hour. It’s going to be okay.  

Paul Rabil leads the Waterdogs to the playoffs after being traded in the offseason but Purp Pups fall in an exciting final to the Whipsnakes who three-peat and then smash through the advertising boards like a rampaging group of Kool-aid men to celebrate with their families and select fans who won a DraftKings lottery to see the PLL championship game. 

The Outlaws and the Bayhawks are announced as the two new expansion teams for the PLL. Their city designations are removed, but they strangely retain the rights to all the domains with their locations in them. Weird. Myles Jones does not get traded.

2025

The first really good lacrosse movie comes out. It’s a low budget masterpiece that focuses on a plucky DIII team from Vermont that brings in a formerly disgraced coach who transforms the program with three key recruits from the West Coast. It is secretly a remake of “Blue Chips” and stars Timothee Chalamet, Grant Ament, and Lyle Thompson. Kyle Harrison plays the coach. A sequel to be directed by Christopher Nolan is greenlit, but never produced due to streaming rights issues. Tom Schreiber, furious at his exclusion from the project, devotes his time to acting classes and becomes the first American cast as James Bond.  

A new lacrosse video game is released using the same engine as the FIFA franchise and includes legendary teams. However, EA Sports does not publish the game as their company was liquidated in the wake of “The Ultimate Team” Scandal of 2025 outlawing microtransactions in all video games. Another game inspired by college athletes finally being paid a fair wage for their performances and visages allows for a new version of a College Lacrosse game to be developed as well. They are both bangers.

All 12 of the PLL teams are now in metropolitan different cities across North America - The Boston Cannons, Denver Outlaws, San Diego Waterdogs, LA Atlas, Baltimore Bayhawks, New York Redwoods, Long Island Lizards, Philadelphia Whipsnakes, Toronto Chaos, Dallas Archers, Chicago Chrome, and Charlotte Machine. Ohio misses out on their franchise after someone lets it slip that the Machine name has to be used in a new city every five years or the rights revert back to Dave Gross. 

Syracuse, coached by Joe Spallina, wins their third consecutive championship, but after the victory is investigated for tampering when the PLL draft rights to Joey Spallina fall to Paul Rabil’s Waterdogs. Rabil, now a PLL team owner and player-coach, trades himself back to Atlas LC and mysteriously changes his jersey number to 45 before retiring. The Whipsnakes win another championship. 

2030

The NFL has folded due to concussion and injury concerns. Rugby Sevens briefly becomes the most popular sport in the United States before being shut down by a massive betting scandal. Lacrosse makes its move on the populace and assumes the mantle previously occupied by Ice Hockey due to a new blue-collar marketing approach that sees NLL and PLL teams joining forces for dual season tickets and shared franchise rights. 

Team Canada, still drunk with power over their Olympic gold medal, is banned from playing in the next World Games after they take over a Tim Hortons franchise in Moncton, New Brunswick demanding it be renamed “John Grant Juniors” in honor of their head coach. When their request is denied, they appear to set the place on fire, but it’s determined to be an accident as assistant coach Dillon Ward was just in the back to microwave a box of Timbits for Zach Currier “just to see what would happen”. In court, he submits “the goalie defense” which fails initially, but at his sentencing, he is only given community service. Because goalies are people too and it is revealed that Currier lined the Timbits box with aluminum foil as a prank. 

(During the mayhem, Jeff Teat goes on a Livestream Instagram rant and taunts, by name, every single defenseman he has scored on for his entire life. The stream lasts for three hours. It is epic.)

The “Avatar” sequels come out. They’re aight. 

2050

The first lacrosse-playing robot is unveiled at the newest SSDM for the 25-time pro champion Baltimore Bayhawks as coaches refused to trust humans to play the position. Also, everyone is a short stick d-middie now. One dimensional attackmen are considered “antiquated” as there is now a penalty for not pursuing a fast break over the half-line. Goalies must also clear outside of their arc and are no longer protected by the crease, as we are not protected by creases in our lives. 

The only way to watch the PLL becomes through an Elon Musk brain implant that is only available after purchasing a 120 dollar practice jersey. Twitter no longer exists due to the implosion of social media after every platform is purchased by Apple. Everything else besides sports is now a visual podcast. Fictional stories are declared to be “dumb” by President Joe Rogan and are now only available via physical media. 

Senator Rob Pannell, inspired by the lacrosse fields at Chelsea Park - a hotbed for local lacrosse talent for the last decade - pushes a bill that makes Lacrosse the official sport of New York. The bill is opposed by congressman Matt Rambo, who had already named Lacrosse as the official sport of Pennsylvania in his first term.

The bill is passed, though Long Island falls into the ocean shortly after it is ratified. Everyone survives but, sadly, they’re all still from Long Island and thus the accent lives on in perpetuity.