Talls vs. Smalls: #TeamTol
Our backs are now against the wall? Listen all y'all, it's a sabotage
The sequel to the smash hit, Team Small, Team Tall has all the makings of a superior product. Everyone has great hair, powerful builds, and even a goalie that rocks sweatpants when it’s 110 degrees on turf. While Team Small needed the aid of two exception players that were of the societally acceptable height of 5’ 10’’, Team Tall only needed one of their number to measure up (down?) to their competition. It’s not looking good for Team Small after a cursory glance at this list, but as we know, games are won and lost on the field, not on the page.
Uh, except for this one, which will be chronicled here on LacroCity with a full hypothetical game recap next week. Just in time for [after] the All-Star break! It’s like I planned this or something. (Even though I clearly didn’t.) Regardless - enjoy the construction of a totally not sabotaged and/or lopsided Team Tall squad.
Attack
Andrew Kew, Cannons
Every team needs an off-ball sniper, and there is no finer example of such than Kew. Carrying the ball is overrated. Moving underneath slides and cutting behind helmets? That’s the true measure of intelligence - work smarter, not harder.
Josh Byrne, Chaos
Byrne had a rough start to the 2021 campaign but has since stepped up to become the catch-and-go dodger that the Chaos so desperately needed. Byrne needs a little more space to operate than most attackmen on that right wing lane, but he will get it with this group. One of the only guys on this entire team that can wrong-foot a defender without actually leaning into them, Byrne is integral to pulling early slides and creating his own shot.
Ben Reeves, Waterdogs
Is this just an entire attack of lefties? Am I sabotaging the entire existence of Team Tall? I mean....maybe a little. But there just aren’t enough differently qualified players at this position. Reeves blows hot and cold, but he’s also one of the more playmaking-focused options for the squad. It’s weird - almost like I picked an entire team of attackmen that are so bad at riding that they aren’t even allowed to own a Razor Scooter...
Colin Heacock, Chrome
The consummate tweener - not quite an attackman; barely a midfielder - Heacock makes his way onto the attack line as a necessary matchup threat. Then again, all of these guys are match-up threats because they are massive. Hurm. You need a guy that can get over the top on a sweep, even if they’re an attackman and Heacock brings that as well as a brutally efficient bull dodge bounce shot.
Midfield
Paul Rabil, Cannons
The operator gets his spot and it’s not just because of his station. The dude has earned it. So many people hate on Rabil, but what they don’t understand is how difficult it is to play and be involved with the day-to-day operations of a league - nay, a BUSINESS - that you created from nothing. The man has investors to keep happy. Are YOU on the hook for millions of dollars to produce an entertaining money-making venture? No, that’s what I thought, shut up and buy these limited edition cleats.
Dhane Smith, Chaos
The REAL Dhane train, now that the other one crashed into the transfer portal, Smith has gotten exactly what he needed all along - more touches. Looking at how the season has gone for his team, you may bristle at this inclusion, but what became clear in 2020, remains crystal in 2021 - Smith is a guy you run your offense through. He’s not to be parked on the crease (like he was when he was wildly misused in his MLL days) and made to fight for scraps; he’s the scrapper that deserves the ball and creates natural mismatches.
Brad Smith, Whipsnakes
Look, you’re on here for your mustache, Smitty. Your versatility is nice and all, but really we need some better facial hair to class this list up.
Romar Dennis, Atlas
Everyone - and I do mean everyone - always knew that Romar has been inches away from attaining his true glory as a pro. Those inches - which used to be feet - are getting ever-so dialed into his shot and it’s making a massive difference to his game. The Atlas has opened up so much more with Teat in the team as well, and that allows Dennis to get more looks rushing in from a top-down position.
Sergio Perkovic, Redwoods
I had to take either Perkovic or Jones for this slot and I went with Perkovic because he runs back to play defense. Unlike other pundits, I don’t think he plays GREAT in that spot - all you need to do is look at the tape and see how fast everyone else slides when his man is dodging - but he does it and that’s what matters. He also happens to be lethal with his cutting, something that has made him a much better player in 2021. No more standing on the outside waving his stick for the ball - give credit where credit is due. Perk? More like Herc.
John Ranagan, Chrome
A true two-way mid, Ranagan continues his evolution as a jack of all trades master of some. One of history’s great alley dodgers, Ranagan has adapted his game to be much more thanks to his box experience. His ability to get up and down in transition and lead - or squash - a break is now his strength. Very few players get to the pros and turn their shortcomings into pillars of their game; Ranagan has done just that and more for the Chrome.
Mark McNeil, Archers
We need an SSDM and McNeil is the way to go. I think he’s criminally underrated as part of the Archers’ rope unit and not just because he gets confused for Dominique Alexander all the time by people that can’t read jersey numbers or names. Yeah. I said it. If you REALLY can’t tell the difference (for shame), watch how they run - McNeil is much longer with his strides and Alexander is straight up and down with his stance. It IS a big deal and you need to know the difference.
Face…Off
*Connor Farrell, Chrome
Farrell is the lone exception player to make Team Tall’s debut roster and as such has a huge weight on his shoulders. There are no other FO-men within height distance currently on any PLL rosters. That’s because the low man wins. Farrell’s pure steamed milky rage is what gets him through so many of his draws and he will have to iron man that spot and produce against TD and D-Simms if he wants to keep Team Tall even at the X.
LSM
Michael Ehrhardt, Whipsnakes
Ehrhardt’s strength is obvious - his groundball play and ability to push transition is still league-leading in its rigor. While he may have been caught on a Grant Ament highlight a few weeks ago, it’s important to remember that defenders are more often judged by their mistakes than their successes when compared to offensive players of any kind. Scoring is easy; playing within a defensive front that is OCD with its slide positioning is not. But Ehrhardt pulls it off and leads a break better than any other LSM in the league.
Liam Byrnes, Waterdogs
He’s played more close this season, but Byrnes is naturally an excellent defensive-minded LSM. As such, he is the perfect foil to Ehrhardt - the most GB and pillage-happy of all longpoles. That is not to say that Byrnes is shy about carrying the ball up - far from it. It’s just that he’s such a hybridized player at this point in his career that he can take on multiple different tasks when called upon.
Defense
Matt McMahon, Archers
Out of all the No. 1 defensemen to choose from, I’m going with McMahon...and Dunn. Because cheating is only cheating if you get caught. Ask all the rich people/drug dealers that buy artwork and use it as a tax write-off to manipulate the precious art market for their personal gain. Ah, let’s not get political - let’s focus on McMahon’s strength in the cover and support game. Not every defenseman gets to come up through a well-oiled Mah-Sheen as McMahon did back in his MLL days. That defense was still one of the best in terms of malleability and adjustment due in large part to McMahon’s contributions and rise through the ranks.
Matt Dunn, Whipsnakes
A great example of a player that is measured and prepared for all eventualities, Dunn has taken to being dodged on with more frequency this season very well. Before, teams wouldn’t even deign to consider such a tactic, such was his reputation (we call that the “Tucker Durkin Effect” - it’s like the Butterfly effect, but real). Still, he’s coped well with more attention put on him and the emboldened attackmen that are willing to test him. Most of them still fail because of Dunn’s masterful positioning and footwork. There are plenty of defenders in the PLL that lead with malice, but Dunn is more of a technician than a barbarian.
Eddy Glazener, Redwoods
A shot caller of the highest order, can you imagine the luxury of having Glazener as your No. 3 option down low? How preposterous is that? In this team, he fulfills that role and more as a fire marshall of sorts. But instead of being the fire chief, he’s carrying the hose and rushing towards the blaze. Aw. Remember the Atlanta Blaze? Glazener does and he assumes the role he had in that team for this one.
Warren Jeffrey, Archers
Every defense needs a hard-edged bolo-whip pole to bring in when it starts to get gnarly. Jeffrey - whose name would sound much more real if it were transposed - is the guy you need on the line. The kind of guy who flies across for a cross-crease slide with the glee of a child hearing the tune of the ice-cream man’s van flitting into their ears on the wind. A poet of violence; a mercenary of malignancy.
Jarrod Neumann, Chaos
Now that the hype of 2019 has died down, we can all appreciate Neumann for what he is instead of what he did two years ago. He’s a solid cover defender that happens to be better as a help-and-hedge guy. That sounds like a knock, but it’s not. He didn’t create his own hype for himself about being a dynamic two-point threat every single time he picks up a groundball. We did. He knows what he is and he knows his strengths. At Providence they used him as a Brodie-slider on the inside, always looking for opportunities to disrupt dodgers and throw backchecks as well as a denier of topside progress. At this point those parts of his game have become underrated and why he makes this squad.
Goalie
Dillon Ward, Waterdogs
The aforementioned sweatpant-clad netminder, Ward’s inclusion was never going to be in doubt. His mastery of the high arc style is polarizing, but I enjoy it. He wants you to try and go over him even as his toes flirt with the edge of the crease and it’s hilarious to see guys try to do it with a little hop or jump, only for Ward to stay flat-footed and make an easy stick save. One on one, he’s underrated just because he takes up so much of the net - the only place to really shoot on him that works is far pipe near his hip because even though he’s tall, he can get down and save anything closer.
Jack Concannon, Atlas
Technically he’s injured, but we had an injured player on Team Small as well in Michael Sowers. It just heaps even more pressure on Dillon Ward, who unfortunately cannot be traded to anyone in this scenario. Concannon is still a solid selection here as a goalie that can streak you right into a win regardless of what’s being thrown at him. He can also let in some frustrating goals from time to time, but goalies are always gonna goalie. People will never forget that half field goal he let in against UMass in college and by people, I mean me. Once again, people don’t forget. But in the pros, he’s a worthy All-Star caliber goalie for the Atlas and should be paid that respect.
Come back next week for the epic conclusion of the Talls versus Smalls saga. Will our diminutive heroes triumph against the gargantuan group of Gilgameshes? Or will societal superiority regress to the mean? Tune in next week for the final showdown of an All-Star game you’ll never actually get to see in real life, but maybe you kind of want to.
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