I Bought the Popsicles.

Why did I do that?

That’s a bizarre title, so I’m going to give it context off the rip - At Hopkinton High School, I am the disciplinarian coach on the lacrosse team. Okay, fine, that’s a bit of a minimization - the youth kids who practice after us on our field call me “the mean one.”

(I’m not mean; I’m loud.)

For even more context, the head coach is more of a holistic presence than I am. Literally and figuratively, because he is an organic farmer who coaches lacrosse in his hometown. When it starts to get hot outside, he sends an injured player or a manager off to the local store to buy popsicles, which often turns into 20-30 minutes of meandering banter.

Circle of trust? Circle of trust.

I hate the popsicles. I hate the wasted time, and I hate the softness of it.

But yesterday, I sent a player to get the popsicles, and I’m not really sure why I did it.

(Hilariously, the head coach also sent a player right after I did, and then we had a double popsicle day. The kids were pretty confused.)

This is my sixth season coaching the Hawks. I haven’t written much about it as I have in years past because, honestly, it’s been very difficult. Not in terms of wins and losses, we are currently 12-3 and headed to the state semi-finals later this week. However, plenty of those wins have come at the price of my sanity as an offensive coach, though most of it is related to player injury and subsequent lineup adjustments. Aka: things I cannot control.

But that’s the funny thing about control. You never really have it. Over anything.

This season, I have had to pop a kid’s kneecap into place (Okay, I actually just held him still and tried not to throw up while someone else did it) and walk about a dozen players off the field with injuries that ended either half their season or their high school career. I’ve had to deal with a little more insubordination than usual. The weight of that, combined with the increased travel time due to moving to Windham, has taken its toll.

However, I also accept that it is part of the deal. I tried to remain stoic through all of it. I dialed down my volume. I made practice and sideline concessions. I held back my disciplinary rants.

The back half of the season, something shifted, not just in me, but in the team. There was more focus. More emotion. More energy.

I can pinpoint the moment for me. On our longest road trip of the year, I celebrated our eighth goal of the game with a flying headbutt into my goalie’s chest protector. He was wearing it and volunteered, so it’s not as crazy as it sounds. I have celebrated every goal since. Sometimes with a small fist pump. Other times, with a leaping Superman punch into the ground.

The hype became real the second I allowed it to break my noirish shell. We finished the season on a nine-game winning streak.

They’re stronger than I gave them credit for, and, if I’m really honest, the emotions of coaching this team have become overwhelming. But as I told the boys multiple times this season, nothing worth having comes easy. I should learn to follow my own advice.

I’m a mess right now; a bundle of frayed nerves and sleep-deprived, half-conscious thoughts. But I’m smiling as I type this, thinking about today’s practice, not Thursday’s game.

I think it’s just as simple as this:

I finally appreciate how lucky I am to coach this group.

I get one more day with my boys.

I might even buy the popsicles again.

(I won’t.)

#GoHawks

This edition of the Lacrocity Newsletter is sponsored by the Girls Lax Summit. This is the third iteration of the Girls Lax Summit, which is an online event that takes place June 23-25, featuring 10 elite college and pro women's lacrosse athletes advising young players on all aspects of the game. Click here for your free ticket to the event.