How to Trust a Positive Coaching Mentality

It's all in your head.

My last few years as a coach have been a humbling experience. Prior to coaching at Hopkinton, my coaching philosophy and my overall mindset in teaching the game were broken. I fervently believed there was a certain way to do things and a certain way not to do things.

Sounds reasonable, right?

For most things - it is. It’s a learned behavior that I picked up from all of the coaches who I worked under as an assistant and then when I became a head coach myself - it’s our way or no way.

It took me coaching a group of ten-year-olds to realize how wrong that is.

Structure is not the same as strict adherence. Instruction is not the same as joysticking.

Honestly, I barely coach lacrosse anymore.

I coach mentality. Because I have to do that with younger and older kids. I have to get younger kids to calm down when they come off crying because they got slashed or they didn’t get a call or if they let up a goal. I have to keep older kids emotionally even on the bench - including me - because getting upset is going to directly translate to how those kids play. It’s going to make their experience worse. If I yell at the refs; it’s going to make it okay for them to yell at the refs. I have to stay positive to a nauseating degree because the alternative makes it okay for the players to mirror my negative emotions.

For the longest time, I took for granted that my mentality as a player was my most useful attribute - when it was actually my worst.

When I played, I had no fear. None. I was a complete psycho. My parents stopped going to my college games because I would throw myself into groundball scrums and get leveled by cross-crease slides on every other possession. In one game I separated my shoulder, popped it back in on the field, and then convinced the trainer it was my elbow so I could get back in the game. I scored and ran away from my teammates so they wouldn't touch my shoulder. I threw up before games and cried afterward. I channeled my emotions and used them for fuel. That is not normal behavior. It’s not tough or cool, either. It made me hate playing. I experienced very little joy on the field in college and for a long time afterward.

When I went into coaching, I expected my college players to do be just as psychotically dedicated without even thinking about it. To be as zealous as I was; as unhinged as I was. When they weren’t buying into that, I could NOT handle it. That’s what made me a bad coach. It’s the greatest shame in my lacrosse life. I screamed and yelled. I tore into them verbally. I threw tantrums. I was not there for my college kids in the same way I am for the Hopkinton and Windham kids now.

I learned that there is a different way to coach from Deacon Blue at Hopkinton. A lot of the kids say that we are completely different in every aspect. For the most part - that’s correct. I am an instructor, I am emotional, and I am relentless. He is philosophical, he is calm, and he is adaptive. When I first got to Hop, we clashed every day. I did not understand why he did things or the way he did them. I do not go with the flow unless I am making said flow.

As we enter year five together, I’ve learned how to implement more and more of his attitude to coaching across the board. The biggest lesson that he taught me, and many of our players as well, was that if you stay even-headed no matter what happens during the game, you have the edge.

I’ve been working with players from other towns and other programs this winter, and I can tell you that the one thing that everyone needs to improve is their mental approach to the game.

Kids are taught to be aggressive like it’s the most important aspect of the game. Maybe that’s true for sports like football, but it’s not true for lacrosse. Do you have to establish a baseline of intensity? Of course. In fact, I spend most of my time talking to younger players about getting to that place. But it’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is to control your emotions because you cannot control everything that happens on the field - but you can always comport yourself.

I actively teach kids to react less to their emotions. The flip side of that is to have a strong mentality going into every game, every quarter, every possession, and every play. The problem is that mindset requires something that most young people are lacking - focus.

That’s not a generational pejorative, it's just a fact that kids (and a lot of adults) in the modern age are tough to wrangle. Try to get a group of 10-year-olds to focus. It’s like herding rabid lemurs in a room full of food. Try to get a group of high school or college kids to focus when they’re holding their phones. It’s the same thing.

Again - you are a psychological and emotional mirror for your players.

As coaches, we have to accept that we won’t get everyone’s attention - but we still have to try.

We have to speak our instructions loudly, quickly, and clearly.

We have to break the huddle on a positive - not instructive - note.

We have to remind them that lacrosse is fun - because lacrosse is supposed to be fun.

It’s not supposed to be work. It’s not supposed to make you cry. It’s not supposed to make you feel bad about yourself.

Playing lacrosse is awesome. You are awesome. Your kid is awesome.

And, uh, just so you know - you’re a mirror, too.

So build your kids up before games. Cheer for them in games. Encourage them after games.

That’s the thing about a positive mentality - it starts with you.