All Eight PLL Teams as Fast and Furious Franchise Movies
I Don’t Have Friends I Got [These Dumb Article Ideas and] Family.
Every summer I try to think of the absolute dumbest thing I can possibly do to correlate my love of pop culture and professional lacrosse. Eight Bit Video Games. Tom Cruise Movies. Space Jam Allegories. Val Kilmer Movies. Even Drake Songs. Through most of it, I’ve been lucky enough to ride with my longtime writing partner Chris Rosenthall. But, like Paul Walker’s character Brian O’Conner, I had to take a different path.
(You know, later this summer. Probably. Not, like, pro lax junkie heaven. Wait, is that a thing?)
If you haven’t guessed by now, this is an interpretive dance wherein I assess the likenesses of the current eight PLL teams and match them with one of the eight movies from the Fast and Furious franchise. This is due in large part to the ninth movie coming out next week (it’s called “F9: The Fast Saga”, which, I don’t know how much more meta you can be) so, it seemed like a good time - despite the infancy of this PLL season - to merge the worlds. Mashups are out, but analytic correlation? That’s causation for celebration.
Whipsnakes: The Fast and The Furious
The original is always the best. I don’t care that the first entry in the FF franchise is a remake of “Point Break”. Just like I don’t care that the Whipsnakes are a remake of the University of Maryland. You cannot feign greatness. Greatness is achieved; not foisted upon you like a burdensome serpent. Or a turtle (ninja or otherwise).
There are plenty of flaws in the original Fast and Furious movie. They drop the other F word, steal DVD VCR combos before hipsters even knew what those were, and go to an event literally titled “Race Wars”. Like...you can’t defend those things. The difference being that the Whips can defend anything, and have. If it’s on a lacrosse field they can stop it.
It’s not a revolutionary idea to have an undercover cop switch sides because of his emotional attachment. Nor is it earth-shaking to build a pro lacrosse team with defense first. But plenty of other franchises fail by attempting to accomplish those tasks. When you manage to bottle the lightning that is the charisma of Paul Walker and Vin Diesel you get a generational movie. When you combine the presence of Matt Rambo and the outrageous flow of Jim Stagnitta’s pandemic hair you get a generational team. The original is still the best for a reason.
Chrome: 2 Fast, 2 Furious
Just like the Chrome had to soldier on without their star Jordan Wolf, the Fast and the Furious franchise had to go on without Vin Diesel, and...both entities were/are kind of disasters, at least early on. If we are talking about expectations, the Chrome and the first sequel were both on equal footing. Both were the continuation of huge hits in the win column and at the box office, respectively.
The thing about both the movie and the team is that they both SHOULD be better. On paper, the directors - Tim Soudan and John Singleton - are underrated on their worst days. So, what happened? Well, with 2 Fast, there was an overreliance on CGI car stunts and Tyrese to carry the void left by the Diesel. With Chrome, it’s a case of a squad populated by a lot of red chip players. Everyone is good...but who is great? You need an A-lister to sell your movie and win you your games. There is no reboot for Chrome like there was for the Fast and the Furious franchise. They’re a team not a movie and their story is still being written.
However, the Chrome is a team that can be lifted by a star snatching the reigns and dragging the franchise forward OR galvanized by a trade/acquisition that brings in a pivotal matchup nightmare that can drag defenders away from the middle of the field. They need a Roman Pearce.
Roman: Don't even think about takin' the convertible. It might loosen your mousse.
Brian: No, that's cool. That's too much Chrome for me anyways.
Chaos: The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
Name one actor in Tokyo Drift. Now name the best player on the Chaos. Times up. Did you get either one within two seconds? I’ve watched the Chaos way more times than I’ve watched the unwanted/unwarranted Hulk movie promo that is Tokyo Drift. So, I should know the answer to the second question at least. This season it’s been tough to tell. Numbers say that it’s clearly Blaze Riorden, again, simply because he has been beset - nay, besieged - by rocket-propelled rubber spheres as a result of porous transition and settled defense.
This movie’s greatest contribution to the franchise is introducing the character of Han Lue (played by Sung Kang) to the team. Han grows into a pivotal character, somewhat by dying but also by providing necessary coolness to the machismo overload of the fifth and sixth movies. If Chaos has a player that can do that for their team he hasn’t been identified yet. It feels like everyone wants it to be Mac O’Keefe, but since the No. 1 goalscorer in NCAA history is being deployed as a two-way midfielder instead of a pick-running shooter that’s not going to happen. No, instead we will be treated to moments of homerun brilliance - like Ian MacKay sticking two’s on the break and Lucas Black’s pronunciation of “Dreahft”.
I know people love this movie and I know people love [the] Chaos. But beautiful disasters are meant for 311 lyrics, not professional lacrosse. Or Tokyo.
Cannons: Fast and Furious (it’s the fourth one with almost the same title as the first one)
This movie is somewhat of a remake of the original with newer elements, just like the Used-to-be-Boston Cannons. A mixture of returning players/actors makes for a tempting re-entry into both franchises, both from ex-MLL fans and car-movie/action newbs. And yet...something feels off with both properties.
The feel-good nature of Vin Diesel’s official return to the franchise - after a cameo at the end of Tokyo Drift- is comparable to Rabil’s renaissance (The Rabissance? No. Too easy. Too gauche.) here at the start of PLL’s third season. The blending of old and new blood doesn’t quite feel right. Like a Frankenstein’s monster that someone forgot to put the toes and bolts on. It’s not so much a zombie Cannons team as much as it’s a lenticular motion Lyle Thompson promotional poster.
Come buy a ticket to see the best player of his generation! Also, a guy who played in the NFL! And the owner of the league, who redefined the role of dodging midfielders! In addition to the best longpole of HIS generation! The Cannons are literally a movie in and of themselves - they don’t need an allegory. There has never been, nor will there ever be, a team with more built-in excuses to fail than this Cannons team.
And yet.
Just like Brian, Dom and Letty - they find a way to stay in the game, and sometimes they even win.
Archers: Fast 5
If it weren’t for the summer where I spent three months in a third-floor apartment in Worcester, Massachusetts with a copy of that year’s FIFA, Dollar-Fifty .40’s from STATE, and a single DVD of “The Fast and the Furious”, Fast 5 would easily be my pick for the best movie in the Fast Franchise. I feel the same way about the Archers; nostalgia is a hell of a drug.
Alright, listen up! The guys we’re after are professional run and gunners. They like speed and are guaranteed to go down the hardest possible way, so make sure you’ve got your funderwear on. We find ’em, we take ’em as a team and we bring ’em down. And above all else, we don’t ever, ever let them score on fast breaks.
In terms of character crossover, the star of the movie is the (spoilers) giant safe that they drag behind them in the finale of the film. I guess the most obvious candidate is that it’s Graeme Hossack, who has looked like he’s been dragged around the field by an invisible string in order to smash into things. Especially with his very scary headshot that they display before games. Why do people shave their heads bald when they still have hair? It’s 2021. Stop doing that.
On paper and in practice these are two of the best offerings from either property. One is already lauded; the other is seeking a title by playing pretty and dirty.
Waterdogs: Fast and Furious 6
Six is the movie that everyone talked about and didn’t live up to Fast 5, but still did really well. You know, like the Waterdogs when they debuted in the Pubble last summer. Well, except for that last part, the Dogs looked straight up bad. Now they’re doing much better thanks to their influx of defensive talent from Major League Lacrosse. Of course, that didn’t come right away, but patience was rewarded as the ideal defensive lineup of Liam Byrnes, Ben Randall and Eli Gobrecht finally figured out who was gonna do what on that backline.
In Fast and Furious 6, no one really knows what they’re doing. Everyone is just reacting. And that was the Waterdoggies’ exact problem in their first game. They were completely bereft of agency. But then all that changed in Atlanta. Give credit where credit is due - Zach Currier is a groundball magnet, Ryan Brown is still one of the deadliest shooters on the field, and the scrappiness of Steven DeNapoli and Christian Scarpello paid dividends. Oh, and Mikie Schlosser? We finally figured out how to use him, just like Ludacris in the sixth entry.
A team trying to find their identity mixed with a talented group of new players is actually the plot of Fast and Furious 6. Everyone is in this one; there are no real surprise additions but here is where everything gets to the superspy level instead of just driving fast cars. Let’s hope the Aquapups can follow suit.
Redwoods: Furious 7
The last appearance of the franchise’s most important character aside from Dom Torreto due to the real-life passing of Paul Walker, Furious 7 felt like an ending of sorts. Now, I’m not saying that’s exactly the case with the Redwoods almost beating the Whips twice in the playoffs and then falling tragically, but I’m not not saying that either. The Wise Bears are currently 2-1, but looked frighteningly vulnerable in their loss to a plucky Atlas squad that quite honestly outran and out-finished them on break after break.
There had to be a time in the hallowed halls of Hopkins where Kyle Harrison rolled up and pulled a young Paul Rabil out of a bad situation (where Matt Bocklet SHOULD have been) and then when they got back to the dorm Rabil screamed “HARRISON KEPT ME OUT OF HANDCUFFS!” followed by “You can have any beer you want as long as it’s a Natty Boh.” Thus, a fateful partnership was formed.
This is K18’s last ride in the pros. The Redwoods owe it to him to not let what happened to the end of Furious 7 to be the end of their season. Fix it now before Act One ends with Dom’s house exploding. There is still time to package one of your two lefty clone attackman and get another combo shooter/finisher. I just don’t want RP3 to be the villain of the movie adaptation of the Redwoods.
(Unless he gets to come back as the amnesiac hero next season.)
Atlas: F8 of the Furious
I don’t like this movie and I don’t really like the Atlas. BUT - both of them are growing on me like that time I went on a cruise ship and got a tropical yeast infection on my back that had to be treated with Monistat cream. Personal overshares aside, there are a lot of things to love about F8 and the baby blue Horns. Here they are presented in non-standardized SAT format:
The John Woo inspired shootout on a plane while holding a baby : The deployment of multiple rookies against a previously undefeated team
Jack Concannon saving point-blank shots in transition : The Rock/Hobbs throwing a torpedo at a nuclear submarine
Jason Statham/Shaw and the Rock/Hobbs escaping from a futuristic high-security prison : The Atlas escaping Atlanta with a win against a Redwoods team that couldn’t finish a sandwich.
You have to respect the effort to make everything that is bigger work on every possible level. Both projects are built on the idea of home runs winning games. Bet big on draws, goalie saves, and two-pointers : Bet the house on Villains becoming Heroes, Charlize Theron, and Family.
Great read! Great take on the teams.